Answering the question "Should I get a divorce" could be one of the hardest choices you face in your marriage. As a divorce coach, I sit with people every day who are wrestling with this question. They often tell me they're not sure if their marriage is really "bad enough" to end, or if they're just going through a rough patch that will pass.
Let me start by saying this: reaching out for guidance takes courage. Even reading this article shows you're willing to look honestly at your situation, and that's incredibly brave.
Here are 10 signs that your marriage could either use some professional help to get back on track, or it may be time to part ways.
10 Signs that can answer the question "Should I get a Divorce?":
You've Lost Trust
Trust isn't just about big betrayals - it shows up in all the little things as well. Think about the last time your partner made a promise. Did you believe they'd follow through? When they tell you something, do you find yourself wanting to verify if it's true?
Many people think broken trust is only about infidelity, but it runs much deeper. It's about feeling secure in your partner's word. Do they follow through on commitments? Can you count on them to be honest about where money is going? Do they share important information, or do you often feel left in the dark?
Sometimes trust erodes so gradually we barely notice it happening. You might find yourself wanting to check their phone when they leave the room, or feeling a knot in your stomach when they're late coming home. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship, and these are signs that your emotional safety has been compromised.
There's Ongoing Disrespect
Respect shows up in the small moments - how your partner responds when you're talking, whether they consider your needs in daily decisions, the tone they use when disagreeing with you. I've seen so many people brush off disrespect as their partner "just being moody" or "having a bad day," but patterns of disrespect tend to worsen over time.
Maybe your partner doesn’t listen to you or dismisses your opinions. Perhaps they make important decisions without consulting you, or speak to you in ways that make you feel small.
What's particularly tricky about disrespect is how it can become normalized over time. You might find yourself thinking, "Well, at least they didn't yell this time”. But please know that you deserve basic respect in your relationship, always.
You're Walking on Eggshells
It is difficult to live in continual expectation of your partner's moods. The feeling of constantly monitoring your environment for signs that it's "safe" to discuss particular subjects.
You may find yourself mentally practicing simple discussions before they happen, carefully planning when to break small news, or altering your behavior to try to avoid doing something that upsets them or makes them withdraw.
Eventually, you stop sharing your true thoughts and feelings because it's easier than dealing with their reaction. Over time, this constant state of alertness starts to erode, not only your marriage, but your sense of self.
You've Become Roommates
At first, it might just feel like you're busy with life - work, kids, daily responsibilities. But then you realize you can't remember the last conversation you had that wasn't about scheduling or household tasks.
It's more than just a dry spell in your intimacy or going through a busy period. I'm talking about that deep sense of disconnection where you're sharing a space but not a life. You might eat dinner at the same table while scrolling through your phones, or sleep in the same bed but feel miles apart.
What's particularly heartbreaking about this situation is the loneliness. There's something uniquely painful about feeling alone while technically being in a relationship. You might find yourself no longer sharing the little moments of your day, not caring to hear about theirs, or realizing you're more excited to talk to friends than your spouse.
Your Values No Longer Align
This goes way deeper than disagreeing about what shows to watch or how to load the dishwasher. I'm talking about fundamental differences in how you see life and what matters most. Maybe you've grown in different directions over the years, or perhaps these differences were always there but have become more significant over time.
For example, you might clash about money - not just spending habits, but deeper beliefs about financial security and life goals. Or maybe you have different views about raising children, relationships with extended family, or spiritual beliefs. These aren't just preferences; they're core values that shape daily decisions and long-term goals.
What makes this particularly challenging is that neither person is necessarily wrong - you've just evolved in different directions. One client realized her growing interest in personal development and spiritual growth was creating a widening gap with her spouse who valued tradition above all else.
There's Emotional or Physical Abuse
Let's be direct here: abuse in any form is a clear signal that something is deeply wrong. I know this can be hard to acknowledge - often people tell me, "But they've never hit me," not realizing that emotional abuse can be just as damaging.
Emotional abuse can be subtle. It might show up as constant criticism wrapped in "jokes," making you question your memory of events (gaslighting), controlling who you see or what you do, or using guilt to manipulate you. Sometimes it's those cutting remarks that leave you wondering if you're too sensitive, or the way they dismiss your feelings as "dramatic."
If you're experiencing any form of abuse, please know this: It's not your fault, you're not imagining it, and you deserve to be safe. Your inner wisdom telling you something's wrong? Listen to it. There are people and resources ready to support you.
Addictions Are Destroying Trust
When addiction enters a marriage, it's like having an unwelcome third party in your relationship. It could be substance abuse, gambling, porn, shopping, or any behavior that's become compulsive and destructive.
The hardest part often isn't the addiction itself, but the web of secrets and broken promises that come with it. You might find yourself becoming a detective in your own home, checking bank statements, searching for hidden evidence, or watching for signs of relapse. The mental and emotional energy this takes is enormous.
Maybe they promise to get help, stay clean for a while, then slide back into old patterns. Each time, a little more trust erodes. While recovery is possible, both partners need to be committed to the work - one person can't do it alone.
You've Lost Yourself
Remember that feeling when you first met your spouse? The spark, the joy of bringing your whole self to the relationship? Now think about who you are today. Have you noticed yourself becoming smaller, quieter, less sure of your own thoughts and feelings?
Maybe you've given up hobbies you loved because your partner made fun of them. Perhaps you've lost contact with friends because it was easier than dealing with your partner's jealousy or criticism. You might catch yourself in the mirror sometimes and wonder, "What happened to me?"
One client told me she realized she'd stopped singing in the car - something she'd always loved - because her husband had made so many comments about her voice. She'd learned to make herself smaller to keep the peace.
The Same Arguments Never Get Resolved
Every couple has disagreements, but healthy relationships find ways to resolve conflicts and grow through them. If you're having the same fight about the same issues year after year, with no real change or understanding, it’s an indication that there’s a disconnect somewhere.
Maybe you've noticed that discussions about important issues either explode into huge fights or get swept under the rug. The topic might change - money, in-laws, parenting - but the pattern stays the same. One partner might shut down, the other might get defensive, and nothing ever really gets resolved.
The problem isn't just the arguments themselves - it's the hopelessness that sets in when you realize nothing's changing.
Your Gut Is Telling You Something's Wrong
Sometimes the clearest sign is the hardest to explain - that persistent feeling in your gut that something isn't right. Maybe you've been pushing this feeling aside, trying to be "rational" or telling yourself you're just being negative.
But our intuition often recognizes truth before our minds are ready to accept it. That feeling of dread when your partner comes home, the relief when they're away, the constant sense that this isn't how marriage should feel - these are all important messages from your inner wisdom.
Remember, seeking clarity about your marriage doesn't mean you're giving up. Whether you choose to work on your relationship or decide it's time to end it, listening to your gut is an act of self-respect.
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As a divorce coach, I'm here to support you in finding clarity - whether that means working on your marriage or mindfully choosing to end it. My role isn't to push you toward divorce but to help you listen to your inner wisdom and make choices that align with your values. Every relationship is unique, and only you know what's right for you.
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