During my own divorce I was trying so hard to keep everyone happy - my ex, my kids, my family, even the neighbors who kept asking questions - that I found myself completely drained. One day, I broke down in tears when a well-meaning friend cornered me to ask about my ex's new living situation. That was my wake-up call about boundaries.
Let's talk about why boundaries aren't just helpful during divorce - they're absolutely essential for your wellbeing and healing.
Why Boundaries Matter Now More Than Ever
Divorce shakes up every relationship in your life, not just your marriage. Suddenly, everyone has an opinion, a story to share, or questions to ask. While most people mean well, without clear boundaries, you can find yourself emotionally exhausted from managing everyone else's feelings and reactions.
Think of boundaries like the walls of your house - they define your personal space, keep the good stuff in, and protect you from what you're not ready to deal with. During divorce, these walls often need reinforcement.
Starting with Your Ex
This is often the trickiest boundary to set, but it's the most important. Unless you have children together, you don't need to be available 24/7. You're no longer responsible for their emotional wellbeing or keeping up with every detail of their life.
If you do have kids together, keep communication focused on co-parenting. I tell my clients to imagine they're talking to a business colleague - keep it professional, stick to relevant topics, and don't get pulled into emotional discussions about the past.
A practical tip I've learned: Use email or a co-parenting app for communication when possible. This gives you time to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively, and it creates a record of all agreements and discussions.
Family Boundaries (Yes, Even with Your Own Family)
Your family loves you and wants to help, but sometimes their support can feel overwhelming or even inappropriate. Maybe your mom keeps trying to fix things between you and your ex, or your sister won't stop bad-mouthing them.
Be clear about what you need: "Mom, I know you want to help, but what I really need right now is someone to listen without trying to fix things." Or "I appreciate your support, but speaking negatively about my ex doesn't help me move forward."
Friends and Social Circle
One of the hardest parts of divorce is managing shared friendships and social connections. You might need to temporarily distance yourself from certain friends or clearly communicate what you're not comfortable discussing.
It's okay to say: "I value our friendship, but I'm not ready to talk about the divorce details right now. Can we focus on other things?" Some friends will respect this, others won't - and that's valuable information about who should be in your inner circle during this time.
Social Media Boundaries
This deserves special attention. Consider:
Adjusting your privacy settings
Taking a break from social media if needed
Being selective about what you share
Asking friends not to post about your divorce or tag you in divorce-related content
Remember, anything you post might be seen by your ex, their lawyer, or your kids someday. When in doubt, wait 24 hours before posting anything.
Work and Professional Life
You might be surprised how much divorce can spill into your professional life. Decide how much you want to share with colleagues and supervisors. Sometimes, giving your boss a heads-up about the situation is helpful, especially if you'll need time off for court dates or meetings with lawyers.
A simple script: "I'm going through some personal changes and might need flexibility with my schedule for legal appointments. I'll make sure all my work is covered, but I wanted you to be aware."
Self-Boundaries
Here's something we don't talk about enough - the boundaries you set with yourself. This includes:
Setting limits on how much time you spend thinking about the divorce
Creating new routines that support your healing
Learning to say "no" without guilt
Allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judgment
When People Push Back
Not everyone will like your boundaries. Some people might get upset or try to change your mind, but their reaction to your boundaries is about them, not you.
Stay firm but kind: "I understand you want to help, but this is what I need right now." Then change the subject or remove yourself from the situation if needed.
Setting boundaries during divorce isn't about building walls to keep people out - it's about creating a safe space for your healing and growth. I like to think about boundaries as drawing a circle around yourself and deciding what gets to come inside that circle.
Start small. Pick one area where you need stronger boundaries and focus there. As you get more comfortable, you can expand to other areas. Remember, you're not being mean or selfish - you're taking care of yourself during one of life's most challenging transitions.
And isn't that exactly what you'd want a friend to do in your situation?
The boundaries you set today will help create the foundation for your new life tomorrow. It's okay to create a safe space for yourself while you figure things out.
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Ready to create boundaries that protect your peace during divorce? I've been where you are, and I'm here to help. Fill out the contact form to schedule a consultation and learn how we can work together.
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