As a divorce coach of many years, I've seen first hand how communication can either intensify tension or ensure a more healthy transition.
How we talk to each other during this delicate time often impacts not just how our divorce unfolds, but also how we interact with each other going forward. This is especially important if we are co-parenting.
By sticking to these simple rules, you can massively improve your experience throughout the process.
The Foundation: Shifting Your Mindset
When you begin divorce proceedings, it's helpful to transition from intimate, sentimental communication to more professional exchanges. Instead of being your confidant or source of emotional support, your ex is now essentially a business partner in the divorce or co-parenting enterprise. This shift is essential for establishing new healthy boundaries and keeping future exchanges clean and clear.
Basic Principles for Every Interaction
Speaking with your ex requires a delicate balancing act, and it helps to be clear, concise and civil. Any communication, whether verbally or in writing, should be free of emotional triggers and straight forward about your wants and goals. Even though it may feel awkward at first, try to keep discussions short, and focused on the most important details. This helps keep conversations from devolving into emotional topics. Maintaining basic respect is essential, not just for your ex but also for your own dignity and peace of mind.
The BIFF Technique
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm, and is one of the most effective ways to communicate during a divorce. Every conversation should be succinct and limited to the essential details, avoiding emotional embellishment. Keep your tone informative and limit your discussion to relevant details rather than your thoughts or sentiments. Retain a professional or at least amiable manner; this does not mean being overly affectionate, but rather upholding fundamental civility. Lastly, without getting combative or defensive, be definite about your wants and boundaries.
Timing Is Everything
Take your time when communicating. It's tempting to react quickly to a triggering message when emotions are running high. But putting a 24-hour rule into practice can stop you from saying something you wish you could take back later. Give yourself time to think about your response before answering, unless the situation is really urgent. This pause helps to stop emotional escalation by allowing you to reply rationally.
Digital Communication Guidelines
These days a lot of divorce communication happens digitally. It's important to remember that these communications - emails, texts, and social media messages - can become legal documents during divorce proceedings. Imagine a judge reading any digital communication in court before sending it.
Think about if your message is essential and beneficial, whether it keeps to relevant facts, and whether it advances the conversation in a positive way. Even in challenging circumstances, you can stay professional by doing this mental check.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Effective communication and your own well-being during a divorce depend on setting and upholding good boundaries. Think carefully about which communication channels best suit you; such as phone calls, texts, or emails. Set specific rules for response timeframes, being careful to distinguish between what can wait until regular business hours and what is truly an emergency. Be clear about what matters to you and what is no longer your ex's concern. Instead of communicating constantly, think about scheduling check-ins for critical things.
When Children Are Involved
Effective communication becomes even more important when children are involved. It's best to keep adult matters firmly between grownups and maintain your attention only on the children's welfare. This means resisting the urge to use children as messengers, and having unpleasant conversations away from young listeners. Despite your disagreements on other issues, try to keep a united front on topics that are important to your children. Consider using a co-parenting app to manage schedules, share important information, and keep all child-related communications in one place.
Handling Difficult Conversations
During a divorce, difficult conversations are unavoidable, but they don't have to be harmful. Think about when to start hard conversations; steer clear of periods when you are both especially anxious or worn out. Prepare your main points ahead of time, concentrating on solutions rather than issues. Be prepared to put conversations on hold when they become unproductive and approach each one with a specific goal in mind. Keep in mind that not every issue can be settled in a single discussion.
Managing High-Conflict Situations
Extra caution and preparation are needed in high-conflict situations. Maintain thorough records of every conversation, ideally by email or co-parenting apps that keep an automatic record. Reduce the potential for defensiveness by framing your messaging with "I" statements rather than accusations, and refrain from getting involved in emotional discussions, instead concentrating on the facts.
Sample Scripts for Challenging Divorce Communications
Handling Emotional Messages
When your ex sends an emotionally charged message, resist matching their tone. Instead of "You're being completely unreasonable and dramatic," try:
"I understand this is a challenging situation. Let's focus on finding a workable solution for (specific issue). I suggest we (proposed solution)."
When They Try to Engage in Personal Matters
If your ex attempts to discuss your personal life or relationship issues, maintain clear boundaries with:
"I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. However, I'd prefer to keep our conversations focused on (children/divorce proceedings/specific shared responsibility). Regarding (original topic), what are your thoughts on (relevant matter)?"
Dealing with Schedule Changes
Instead of reacting with frustration to last-minute changes, respond professionally:
"I received your request to change the pickup time. While I understand things come up, I need at least 24 hours' notice to adjust my schedule. For this time, I can (offer a specific alternative). Going forward, let's stick to our agreed schedule unless there's an emergency."
When Tensions Are High
If a discussion becomes heated, pause the conversation:
"I notice we're both feeling frustrated. I suggest we take a break and continue this discussion tomorrow when we can focus on solutions. I'll send an email in the morning about (specific issue)."
Setting Financial Boundaries
When financial discussions become personal attacks:
"I want to make sure that we manage our money well. Could we focus on (bill/expense/support payment)? To help us with this, I have provided (document/statement).”
When They Push for Immediate Responses
If pressured for an immediate answer to non-urgent matters:
"I've received your message about (topic). To make sure we make the best decision, I want to give this some thought. I'll give a thoughtful response by (specific time/date).”
Addressing Children's Needs
When discussing children's issues:
"(Child's name)'s wellbeing is my priority. Based on (specific observation/incident), I think they need (proposed solution). What are your thoughts on how we can best support them through this?"
Maintaining Professional Distance
If personal questions come up:
"I understand that you're curious, but I'd prefer to keep our conversations focused on (relevant shared responsibility). About that, we still have to make a decision about (back to relevant topic)"
Remember, the key to all these responses is maintaining a professional, solution-focused tone while avoiding emotional engagement. Take time to compose your responses, and when in doubt, wait before sending. Your goal is to communicate effectively while maintaining boundaries and respect, even in challenging situations.
These scripts are starting points - adapt them to your situation and personal style while keeping the core principles of clear, professional communication. The most important thing is consistently maintaining boundaries while working toward constructive solutions.
Moving Forward
Communicating calmly and effectively with your ex gets easier with practice, and each interaction offers an opportunity to improve your emotional regulation, and reinforce healthy boundaries. Think of it as learning a new language - at first it might feel unnatural, but with time and practice, it becomes more comfortable. Throughout it all, try to focus on finding solutions rather than winning arguments or proving a point.
The Long View
Consider how your communication choices today might impact your future. The way you handle discussions during divorce can affect everything from your co-parenting relationship to your own emotional healing. Ask yourself how you want to look back on this period. What kind of example are you setting for your children about handling difficult situations? How might your communication choices affect future relationships and interactions?
When to Seek Support
Seeking professional guidance to improve your divorce communications isn't a sign of weakness. If you find that conversations frequently break down or that feelings often take precedence over rational dialogues, you might want to consider consulting with a divorce coach or mediator. Expert advice can be especially helpful when setting up healthy boundaries or changing from being the spouse to the co-parent. With the correct support, you can learn how to have constructive conversations even in high-conflict situations.
Remember that having good communication during a divorce isn't about being right or winning arguments. Whether you're co-parenting or finalizing your divorce, it's about laying the groundwork for moving forward with respect and dignity.
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